Hello blog,
It's been a while! I'm just going to give you an update before I say goodbye for a couple weeks or months.
On the data analytics front, I recently completed a SQL certificate with honors. I had started to doubt my skills in SQL, so completing this course was useful for me to reaffirm my knowledge. I still need to develop a project that will let me show off my SQL abilities on my resume.
Secondly, I've started a different Coursera course focused on Tableau. I similarly have been doubting my Tableau skills so I wanted to take the course focusing on data visualization. I ended up signing up for the entire 8-course certificate (I'm 3/8ths through!), so let's work this big ole brain and see how quickly I can finish it—and with an A, of course.
Most importantly--and the biggest reason I've been away--is that my first deadline for revisions has come up and I am not done with the novel. I’ve been writing all-but-daily and making necessary revisions that help sharpen the text into something I’m proud of. You may have even noticed on the thesis analyzing dashboard that I've even added more character details to help guide my revisions. There's now a hint of ethnic background in the character notes. All of the all-Black cast is "mixed" in terms of African (and 20% non-African) origins, but I added notes as to the dominant ethnicity in that mixture. It helps guide things like character names, spiritual practices, cultural traditions, beliefs, etc.
But!
Revisions are harder to do now that the advance has run out and I don’t have a low-stress day job to balance out the writing. The data field has gotten more competitive since I first developed an interest during the pre-AI hype era, so I’ve been setting my standards for a data portfolio a little higher.
You gotta run just to stay in the same place!
Apparently, it's a very tough job market even for administrative jobs. I’ve submitted at least 100 applications where I clearly had all the skills needed, with maybe 20 of them customized to the position. I've gotten feedback that suggests I come across as overqualified, so maybe that’s part of the issue? I have had a handful of interviews from nonprofits that may or may not believe in work/life balance.
Oh, but apparently, the Great Resignation is over and it’s time to go right back to hustling and grinding!
Apparently, many of the Return to Work mandates were designed to encourage workers to quit?
Apparently, we learned little from lockdown because there’s a summer covid wave currently happening.
Apparently Recession Pop is back but no, although I love Charli's new album and would love to be brat, I do not wish to return to 2008.
I have two applications that I'm really banking on, praying with all my hands and feet that either comes through. Both of which would be primarily administrative with pathways towards my greater goal of a data-focused career. I want nothing more than to stay in the same stable role for the next 10 years, gradually progressing from assistant to associate to specialist to senior to director to... I don't know, 6 figures? Whatever pay range lets me be equal to my partner.
In any case, the writing and job search are currently battling for highest priority in my life while data analytics will take a backseat until I feel more economically--and therefore more mentally--stable.
One reason I don't want to post here is that I have been once-bitten over how the working world deals with mental illness. I never did share the story of getting a C-PTSD diagnosis but I am still figuring how that limitation influences my mind. I’m starting to think it hurts my ability to be as productive as I’d like?
More specifically: I get overwhelmed when I have too much to do and too little certainty. I make more mistakes when I get overwhelmed. I don’t want to make mistakes (obvs), so right now I am taking a step back from some inessentials in order to do the essentials full justice. I may need to take a few thousand out of my retirement fund to help me remain sustainably productive. I want to remain my best self, and not let the beast that is Survival Mode take over.
Economic insecurity is probably my main source of anxiety, along with social isolation and bodily illness. People like to say “your anxiety is lying to you” but mine are not unjustified fears as much as they are fears of return to a state I've experienced before. Heck, I currently live so close to San Diego's equivalent to Skid Row that I can hear people yelling in anguish outside my window most nights. It's hard to commit to an Abundance Mindset when you see such abject poverty like that everyday.
And by now, I know off the top of my head that the population of San Diego is about 6% Black but San Diego's homeless population is about a third to a fourth Black. So I may be different from the unhoused in degree (two degrees, in fact! 🎓) but not in kind.
Maybe this is pessimistic. But what can I say? I live by the axiom “there but for the grace of God go I” and I think bb Bo Burnham was correct about buying lottery tickets. I work as hard as I can and prepare to meet opportunity, but this body of mine can’t work too hard. It starts to malfunction & that’s just reality.
(And what a relief it is to admit that! How freeing it is to be honest!)
Ever since that IQ Test came back positive, my mantra to myself has been “you can do anything anyone else can do, you just might need more time or grace.” It helps that I have a supportive partner—hamdulillah & God bless—with whom I can be fully myself and who believes in me even at my lowest. Wanting to do right by him fuels me like nothing else!
Earlier this month, I attended a presentation on employment with the state of California and was told that it can work in your favor to claim disability when applying. We were also told that more things count as disability than we expect, even glasses or diabetes or anxiety disorders. I'm not sure if this is also true of applying for the city or county, but the public sector might be one of the best places to work for somebody with anxiety and/or CPTSD.
That’s pretty cool! Not just for me, for most people with chronic illness or marginalization that results in chronic health issues, social supports are pretty cool!
So yes, I am afraid that if I post here, I will accidentally be too honest about the fact that I am not a rockstar unicorn perfect superhuman absolute best candidate ever. I'm just a human roughly equal to other humans, albeit especially experienced or trained in some areas. I may be especially hardworking and earnest to a fault, driven almost naively by an ethos of doing good, and with creativity and intelligence as two of my gifts. But I’ve also still got the scars of a rough upbringing, and I literally just made two major mistakes last week that make me want to fling myself into a black hole that siphons my failings out of others’ memories.
I worry that any business that only cares about The Profit Motive could find someone who has the same level of experience and skill as me but also has a privileged home life and therefore mental stability. She’s probably an upper middle class Black woman, so I guess it’s fine. #girlboss #yippee #blackexcellence #hooray
I will tell myself that we want—and will get—different things out of life.